Liar, liar, pants on fire! - Why kids lie and keep lying (and whether or not you can do anything about it)

Liar, liar, pants on fire!

Why kids lie and keep lying (and whether or not you can do anything about it)

By Paul Peterson

Have you ever seen your child do something and then lie about it five minutes later? It’s shocking at first. Then, perhaps, terrifying. “But I literally just saw her rip the petals off that flower! How can she tell me with a straight face that she didn’t?!”

Parents often want their kids to be successful and happy in life, and lying can seem like a slippery slope to non-success. “What if she keeps lying, then cheats in school, then gets older and steals, then…?” Lying is dangerous stuff, right? So how do you stop it? (and quick!)

Research has shown that kids will never stop lying under certain circumstances. The highest predictor of a child lying is the threat of punishment. So, if Susie knows she shouldn’t have plucked the "purty" purple petals of your petunias, she might lie to avoid the consequence. However, you know she is guilty! So you might question her again to “force the truth” out of her. In the end, you need to know that she knows that she did something wrong so she can learn to be good. So, when pressed, she decides to lie again. And again and again.

For kids, the possibility of no punishment will always be worth the gamble of another lie.

As her parent, you have to ask yourself a difficult question: Is it more important to talk about “the truth” or to “teach them a lesson” right now? If you want the truth, you’ll most likely have to skip the punishment. Once she truly knows there is no threat of punishment for her answer, she might tell the truth (because there’s no reason to lie any longer, assuming she believes your offer).

On the other hand, if you continue to expect her to tell the truth and to get punished, you’re in for a knock-down-drag-out between parental gumption and stubborn kid-logic. And that can get exhausting.

If your child has space to actually tell the truth and not get punished, she learns a few lessons:

1)    Telling the truth leads to less punishment (or maybe none)

2)    I can talk to my parents about things and feel safe

3)    I can learn through mistakes

Once your child knows she’s safe, she may be more open to a constructive conversation about why petunia petals fit best on the flowers, instead of on the floor. And, the next time she has the chance to lie or tell the truth, she might choose the latter.

Try it out! See what you think. See what your kid thinks. And then re-evaluate. Your kid needs something that fits her just right, and this may or may not be it. But it might be a step in a nice direction.

For more information, see NurtureShock by Ashley Merryman and Po Bronson.