Premarital Counseling:” I’ve Found My Perfect Mate”

Premarital Counseling:” I’ve Found My Perfect Mate”

By, Brianna McCarthy

“A great marriage is not when the ‘perfect couple’ comes together. It is when an imperfect couple learns to enjoy their differences.”
                                                                                            – Dave Meurer

We have all heard the corny phrase " I think I've found the perfect guy" before or the infamous, " you're my everything. “These seemingly playful phrases are now a topic of discussion amongst clients who are seeking premarital counseling. Are these seemingly innocent phrase contributing to an unrealistic narrative about relationships and marriage? For many individuals, marriage is a scary topic or a topic that is not even up for discussion. With the divorce rates in the United States growing increasingly fast it's no wonder why more individuals are choosing to stay single or not even to marry. Unfortunately, many individuals struggle with the decision of who they would like to marry because of their unrealistic expectations and ideas about marriage and a spouse. It is also true that expectations can lead to disappointment if the needs or ideas are not met according to their expectations. Below, are nine unrealistic beliefs that individuals have about a partner and marriage.

1.  " One and Only"

In this belief, individuals tend to believe that there is only one right person for everyone in the world to marry. This ideology can leave an individual with unrealistic expectations of how to determine who is the right and only person to marry.

2. Perfect Partner

In this belief, an individual creates an irrational expectation that a person should remain single until their ideal person comes along. A person who chooses to adopt this way of thinking are limiting their experiences of love as well as building unrealistic expectations for their partners to meet.

3. Perfect Self

In this belief, individuals believe that you should first be whole and complete as an individual before stepping into marriage. This idea is also unrealistic because we are always growing and changing as individuals before, during, and after nuptials vows. 

4. Perfect Relationship

In this belief, individuals have the perception that a couple should prove that their relationship will last the test of time before getting married. This unrealistic expectation leaves little room for error or mistakes for either individual and can ultimately lead to the inevitable.

5. Try Harder

In this belief, individuals have the idea that you can be happy with whomever you decide to marry as long as you try hard to make the marriage work.  Happiness for any individual shouldn't exist within marriage but between two distinct individuals who are both similar and different in their own right.

6. Love is enough

In this belief, individuals adopt the idea that love is enough to marry a person. There are multifaceted components of marriage and relationships. Love is a critical component. However, it is not the only one that should be the deciding factor in marrying someone.

7. Cohabitation

In this belief, individuals believe that living with their partner before marriage will contribute to a happy marriage. For some, this might be true. Unfortunately, this does not secure a successful marriage.

8. Opposites Complement Each Other

In this belief, individuals have an idea that they must marry someone who has characteristics that are opposite from their own. The adoption of this idea can lead to a limitation of spouses and different experiences from common interest of a partner.

9. Choosing Should be Easy

In this belief, individuals adopt the idea that relationships and marriage just happen without any effort from individuals. This belief can be harmful to an individual that chooses not to take any ownership of their role in the relationship and its potential outcome.

Marriage just like any other relationship is unique to the individuals. In premarital counseling therapists and clients can discuss some of these common expectations of marriage, partners, and love. Having an open discussion about your ideas about marriage with your partner can facilitate conversations that can lead to understanding, clarity, and compromise.

Do you believe that there is a such this as a perfect marriage or partner?

References

Larson, J. H. (1992). “You're my one and only”: Premarital counseling for unrealistic beliefs about mate selection. The American Journal of Family Therapy, 20(3), 242-253. doi:10.1080/01926189208250893